Love & Hateration

I was asked to partake of an evening in the theatre today.  the result of my time  has brought about thoughts and feeling of both Love and Hateration (It's not Ebonics, it is "poetic license")!   First of all I have to admit that I really do not like Tyler Perry's body of work.  I give him props for making his moves, but at some point I'd like to see him take it to the next level.  The theatre has been such a big part of the Black community in history and I wish we could get back to that.  With that said,  this play was to a Tyler Perry play... like a Wayans Brother flick to an old school Spike Lee joint!    Nevertheless I'm not going to get deep into a review on it.  I sat through the first decade of the play just waiting to get a glimpse of my friend that asked me to come.  When she did get on stage I was taken aback.  She was playing the "skeeza" who is always late and quite under dressed for a church environment.  HOnestly the being late thing fits her and she'd tell you that herself.  I can't say I ever saw her hoochified though.  Still I found myself in awe, just staring at her chocolaty silky smooth legs as if I'd never seen them before.  I've been trying to convince myself for months that her grip on me had been broken, but now I know that is far from the truth.  All the Hateration was directed at that play.  She and those well toned parallel pathways leading to her sweet center of womanly paradise got me thinking of Love and everything that comes with it.  The thing there is it wasn't just about her.  In the last year I have met 2 females who I honestly have to say I am totally intrigued by.  She would be one.  I used to work at the same spot as her.  We hit it off right away.  She fits the opposites attract cliche to me.  She's younger than me, an official southern girl who strives to be on the righteous path in God's eyes.  Heck she even spends New years in church.  Now I do believe in God and try to do the right thing, but me and church have been strangers for quite some time.  Now girl #2 and I have had much more in depth interactions.  I have to say I see her as my equal if not a bit higher up than me.  Well educated, motivated, and straight up no nonsense.  When she laughs I forget there is any other sound in the world.  So I bet you're wondering what the problem is?  Choosing between the two? Nope.  I could really see myself spending the rest of my days with either, making the world a better place for us and our children..... Just enjoying life and being a real family.  The issue then?.... I don't even know where to begin.  I have gotten so soft in my experience state of being(ie. age has gotten to me).  I can flirt and flatter any woman on the planet, but actually opening up and saying I want to hook up regularly or on a permanent basis is actually frightening beyond my wildest imagination.  I don't have fear of commitment, quite the opposite in fact.  I am a self diagnosed serial monogamist.  The things in my past have just made me "gun shy". 
     Probably the final straw was the state of my relationship with my last "girlfriend".  I was wide the hell open to the point of putting money on the table.  I have never in my life loaned or given money to even my closest friends.  She didn't even have to ask and I had her back, so much to the point I hurt myself financially and had to make sacrifices to get back on track. (Like not having a car for a year.)  A while back I had accepted it was over and I had to basically cut my losses and just be friends.  I saw she was going down a different path, which I was okay with given we had grown apart.  Then she dropped a bomb... followed by a potential bomb, then in stead of telling me what was up I found out the remaining detail via internet.  The icy reality of that let me know that either I never really mattered at all, or I still did and she had to keep me out the loop so I would not be an obstacle.  I would have done anything for her and did more for her than any other woman in my life.  I don't think my brain is willing to let me risk going out like that again.